


Aware of the Silence

by tempered_lemon



Category: Dream Team - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF, mcyt
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chronic Illness, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Light Angst, Mentioned Wilbur Soot, Minecraft, Older Sibling Wilbur Soot, Platonic Relationships, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit Friendship, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), dream team, insomniac tommyinnit, tommy needs to talk about his problems more, tubbo is a good friend, wilbur gets mad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:48:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26923141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempered_lemon/pseuds/tempered_lemon
Summary: "The best part about this, Tommy decided, was that in the morning no one would know...” “...No one will even know all the shit he was going through while they were fast asleep."aka Tommy suffers from severe insomnia and try's to deal with it himself, until he accidentally misses a recording session and Wilbur gets mad.(Its hurt/comfort I promise Wilbur isn't the bad guy here I swear)
Comments: 119
Kudos: 1330
Collections: Completed stories I've read





	1. Fatal Daydreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Quick PSA to anyone else out there has ~Insomnia~ please be aware of how you're feeling when reading this, don't overwhelm yourself ok?

Mornings were harder than they used to be, to say the least. The sound of his alarm going off felt like a punch to the gut, and getting out of bed seemed like the last thing he should be doing.

Knowing that if he stalled any longer he would _never_ get out of bed Tommy begrudgingly swung his feet over the side of the bed and stood up, willing his body not to collapse under him.

Every step seemed heavier than the last, like his thoughts were too heavy for his body. He hadn't slept well last night and he could feel it in every step he took. According to his clock he guessed he probably got around 4 or 5 hours of sleep the night prior, which while not great, was better than nothing.

He dragged himself through the normal steps he took to get ready before school, but it felt like his hands and his mind just weren’t in sync. Everything he did felt like it was happening slower then normal, as if his reaction time had been severely lengthened.

He stumbled his way through online classes, just trying to stay awake long enough to get through his day. But no matter how much he tried to pay attention and focus on whatever his teacher was talking about he kept losing his focus and ended up zoning out for most of the lesson.

_He was trying though, he really was._

By the time the school day ended Tommy was _more_ than ready to be done, the whole day had just been one mistake after another, from getting called on to answer a question he _almost_ knew the answer too but just couldn't quite remember, to snapping at one of his friends for no reason (and then immediately feeling guilty for it). His friend hadn't even done anything wrong, he was just there at the wrong time and Tommy snapped at him, he apologized immediately after of course mumbling some excuses about 'lack of sleep' and the like, his friend -to his credit- had tried to seem understanding but Tommy suspected he was still somewhat salty about Tommy snapping at him like he had.

But none of that mattered now, the school day was out and he had the rest of the day to do whatever he wanted.

Not that there was much to do these days.

\---

It was a little past 10 pm and he was on a FaceTime call with Tubbo and they were both chatting away while doing their own things. Tubbo was working on some puzzle type thing for school while Tommy was just playing some game on his phone while they talked.

Tommy usually 'went to bed' at about 10:30 but he was _really_ trying to stall today, the longer he could stay on the phone with Tubbo the later he would have to start trying to sleep.

This plan actually worked for a little while but much to Tommy's dismay Tubbo eventually caught on.

"Oh shoot, hey dude it's like 11 already!"

"Really? Oh damn you're right" Tommy was just gonna pretend he hadn't been constantly checking the clock every few minutes, hoping his friend hadn't notice how late it was getting.

"Aren't you supposed to be going to bed at like 10:30 now? To help you sleep better?" Tubbo asked, even though he already knew the answer.

Tommy sighed, "Yeahhh... but it's not even helping so whats even the point ya know", he mumbled out the last bit, directing it more towards himself than Tubbo.

"Ok well I gotta go to bed, and you really should too. At least try, ok?"

"Yeah yeah ok" Tommy knew his friend meant well but it was a little harder than that.

They said their goodbyes and Tubbo headed off to bed. Tommy, on the other hand, was just staring at his bed across the room, trying to think of any excuse to stay out of it.

His whole body felt exhausted and his head was pounding from lack of sleep the night before, and yet he knew the second he laid down in that bed he would be wide awake.

**Chronic Onset Insomnia** , that was the technical name for his disorder, but whenever anyone asked he just told them he had some trouble sleeping.

Time is different at night, especially when you're forced to be be conscious through every second of it. Time spent laying in bed trying to sleep will tick on for what seems like hours, but once you're asleep suddenly time is moving all too fast.

Tommy had only been in bed for about an hour since he got off the call with Tubbo, but it felt it had been an eternity ago. He wondered if anyone else was awake, it was a oddly lonely being so utterly alone every night. Something about having nothing to listen to other than your own thoughts really makes one yearn for any kind of escape they can get.

2:00 a.m:

Three hours. Three goddamn hours, of laying in bed and _nothing_ , absolutely nothing, he was no closer to falling asleep then he had been three hours ago.

The feeling of frustration was overwhelming, and it made him wanna cry and scream at the same time. He wanted to curse at the world for not allowing him a basic human necessity such as sleep, but he could barely find the energy to get mad, insomnia seemed to have sucked all the life out of him.

Silent tears quickly replaced the anger, and instead the feeling of helplessness took its place. This wasn't a problem he could yell at until it went away, he was born like this, and there was nothing he could do about it.

By the time he calmed down it was almost three in the morning, which meant even if he fell asleep right then he could only get six hours of sleep. He sighed and buried himself deeper under his blankets, maybe if he nestled into them deep enough he could forget about all of his problems, if only for one night.

4:00 a.m:

Do you know how much time there is too think when you're laying in bed all night? Because the answer is a scarily high amount.

So much time for regret.

4:45 a.m:

Doing nothing but stare at the clock for hours makes you very aware of the passage of time, and how utterly long the darkness lasts when you can't close your eyes too it.

5:00 a.m:

The best part about this, Tommy decided, was that in the morning no one would know. None of friends would notice how tired his voice sounded, or the dark bags under his eyes. No one will even know all the shit he was going through while they were fast asleep.

6:00 am:

_For the love of god **please** just go to sleep_

Just as the sunrise started to be visible from his window Tommy's body _finally_ gave in and fell asleep.

9:00 a.m:

He woke up to the sound of his alarm and the first thing he noticed was his raging headache. The second thing he noticed was how the stretch to grab his phone left him much more tired then it should've.

He tried to get out of bed, but he couldn't find the energy. Every part of him screamed to just stay in bed and go back to sleep, he was still just _so_ tired and he had _just_ fallen asleep, it wasn't fair to himself to get up now… was it?

One quick look at his clock told him that he had probably only gotten about 3 hours of sleep last night, which brought him to a grand total of 10 hours of sleep the whole week. After some quick debate he decided that that was good enough of an excuse as any to take a day off school.

Having come to his new decision he set his phone back down and mumbled a quick;

"I don't even need school, I'm gonna become a minecraft youtuber"

And then he was out like a light.

What Tommy had intended to be a quick nap ended up being him sleeping pretty much the whole day, which wouldn't normally be a problem except that he had plans to record with Wilbur and Tubbo that same day. Well, he _had_ plans, that was until he slept through them.

Now, Tommy hardly ever talked about his trouble sleeping, in fact he basically avoided the subject at all costs, because of this most of his friends had little to no understanding about what it was like for him. They figured that since he just didn't talk about it, it must not effect him (although that was hardly the case).

So when Tommy didn't show up to record and all they knew was that Tommy had been up late the night before, Wilbur just assumed that he chose to sleep in and ignore his responsibility.

Suffice to say, he was a little pissed.


	2. What Keeps You Up at Night?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy decides sleep is for the weak and being weak is not pog so no. Also Dream is onto him and trys to help so thats rad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao remember how I said this was gonna be two parts... well funny story 
> 
> also this contains themes that could be upsetting for people who also suffer for insomnia so just watch out for that ok?

When Tommy finally woke up it was almost four in the afternoon, much later then he had originally planned to sleep in and he knew it _probablyyy_ wasn't great for his sleep schedule to be sleeping so far into the day like that but that was a problem for future Tommy. All that mattered now was that his headache was gone and it didn't hurt to be alive anymore, and that was a plus in his book.

His momentary euphoria was quickly interrupted as soon as he checked his phone. He had a few texts from his classmates asking where he had been, but those were to be expected, what really surprised him was the discord notifications from Wilbur.

-Heyyyy u ready to record today :)

-Hey man you coming???

-dude

-tommy you said you'd be here

-whatever, tubbo and I are just gonna start

Tommy's heart dropped upon reading the messages. He had completely forgotten he made plans to record with Wilbur and Tubbo today. Usually he would just join in a little late but based on when the messages from Wilbur were sent he guessed they'd already have been going for a few hours, and it'd be weird to just hop in at the very end of the footage.

He decided the best thing to do was just text Wilbur back and explain what had happened.

-Omg my bad dude, I slept in today and totally forgot we had plans

-I'm up now if you're still recording?

He felt bad, but he didn't regret sleeping in, it was worth it for his own sake and he wasn't about to let forgotten plans come before his own health.

He heard the discord notification and looked down to see what Wilbur had said.

-dont bother.

Oh, ok then.

The rest of the day went by rather uneventfully, Tommy spent most of it catching up on the school work he had missed or editing his videos. Every once in a while he would catch himself zoning out or starting to nod off while he worked, but for the most part he was doing great! He got all his work done and even got a head start for the coming weeks, all in all a pretty productive day for him.

But there was something in the back of his mind that kept reminding him about the ordeal with Wilbur earlier in the morning, and Tommy was stuck in limbo about whether or not he should reach out to him or give him some space. He'd made a mistake, nothing more than that, so he figured Wilbur was probably just in a bad mood and that he should give him some time to cool off.

By the time nighttime rolled around Tommy once again started looking for things to keep himself busy with, usually he would just FaceTime Tubbo but he knew he had a big today tomorrow so he didn't want to keep his friend up too late. A quick glance at the clock told him that it was a little past 11 o'clock, was that too late to stream? He never streamed this late before but hey, a lot of his viewers were from America so maybe more of them would be able to join.

He eventually decided that he would stream, because why not, and went to go set up.

He started the stream and the chat was immediately filled with his viewers asking what he was doing up so late, but they seemed pleased more than anything, lots of people were saying how they couldn't usually catch steams live because of their timezone and schedules and whatnot. Maybe streaming a little later sometimes wasn't such a bad idea.

The stream was going pretty well all things considered, he was on the SMP just chillin' with chat since most of his friends had already gone to bed. A few random people from the SMP joined him every once in a while, but they never stayed more than a couple minutes.

The stream went on much longer than usual, with it lasting almost 3 hours. By the time he finally signed off it was almost 2 am, great…

Not long after he ended the stream he heard the notification for a discord message, he looked over to his other monitor to see it was from Dream? Not at _all_ who he expected, but alright.

\--tommy whats wrong ?

-wdym

\-- I was on ur stream, u were being weird

_He was?_

\-- are you sick or something?

\-- are you feeling ok? you can talk to me yk

-Idk what you mean man, I'm fine!

Ok so it maybe didn't sound as convincing as he would've liked it too, but seriously he was fine! He wasn't even that tired today....

**< Incoming call from Dream>**

_Well that can't be good…_

He answers the call anyway, declining would only cause more problems for him in the long run.

"Heyyy Drea-" Tommy starts to greet him in an upbeat voice, only to be cut off by the friend in question.

"Tommy what time is it for you right now?"

"Ummmm... a little past 2 am, why?" Now, Tommy actually _really_ _**didn't**_ want to know why, in fact, if he had the choice he would choose to leave this call that very second.

"TOMMY! That's so late, why are you still up??" Dreams tone may have come across as mad but the concern was evident under his voice.

"I don't knoww man" he whined, "why bother trying sleep if I'm gonna wake up tired either way..." and that was his mistake. Admitting that something was wrong.

There was a moment of silence.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Dream asked in a quiet voice.

Huh. Did he? No one had ever really asked him that before. He didn't wanna put his problems on someone else but he wanted more than anything for just a little bit of sympathy....

"Tommy?" Oops, he must've gotten lost in his thought a little two long, "Are you sleeping enough? You sound tired..."

Tommy let out a weak laugh, "You don't know the half of it".

Tommy came up with some lame excuse about why he had to hang up on Dream, it was very obviously a lie and Dream was not happy about it, making the younger promise to talk to him about it later, when he was fully rested. Eventually he hung up, just making the younger promise to at least try and get some sleep. Tommy agreed, if only just to have a reason to get off the phone. He was _really_ not a fan of the whole comforting thing.

But as much as he didn't want to be talking to Dream about his insomniac problems, a part of him _really_ didn't want him to hang up the phone, that part of him really didn't want to be alone.

"Alright well goodnight then Tommy"

_No no no_

"Goodnight Dream, always a pleasure speaking to ya"

_Please don't leave_

"Anytime man, try to get some sleep." And with that Dream hung up.

_Please don't leave me alone..._

~

"Just fall asleep. That's all I gotta do. Just one night." Tommy told himself, staring at his bed from across the room. It wasn't that he was _scared_ of the bed, it's just that the idea of having to sit in it for another night made him wanna scream and hide.

Despite his complaints he made his way over to the bed and got in, the blankets were nice and warm and the pillow was somewhat sturdy, just the way he liked it. But Tommy wasn't dumb, he knew that the warm blankets would soon turn uncomfortably hot after lying in them for too long, and the pillow would eventually feel like a rock.

But there’s really nothing he could do about it, this wasn't a problem he could fix on his own.

3 am:

This was hell. He hadn't even been in bed that long but it already felt like forever, the only proof he had that time was moving at all was the alarm clock glowing a soft green from his dresser.

It had hardly been an hour but he already was so tempted to give up, what was the point anyway? No matter what he did it was a lose lose scenario, if he stopped trying to sleep he would be utterly exhausted the next day, but if he lays here all night trying to sleep he'll still be tired tomorrow _and_ be in a bad mood. There was just no winning.

4 am:

Trapped. That's the only way to describe this feeling. Being trapped not only in your own head with no escape from your thoughts but also just being trapped in the night itself. Night is long, unforgiving, and cold, and you really come to understand that when your forced to live through every waking second of it.

Trapped, scared, and alone. _Fun_.

5 am:

It's kinda funny, ya' know, how for some people sleeping comes as easily as breathing. Some people out there can just lay down in bed and just pass out, just like that. God what he wouldn't give...

_I wonder if anyone else is up right now....._

Probably not, but Tommy decided to text the discord server anyway just in case, he could really use a distraction.

-hey fellas, anyone still up?

It was a simple message and he didn't expect anyone to respond but hey, it was worth a try right? At this point he was willing to try anything....

~~

By six in the morning Tommy still wasn't asleep, and by seven the sun started rising. Something about watching the sunrise in the morning was oddly disconcerting, he felt like he was breaking the rules by seeing it, like being up this early was illegal or something.

Sometime before noon he got a DM from Tubbo asking if he wanted to join him, Wilbur, Dream, and some others in Among us. They weren't streaming they just all decided it would be fun to play together.

Tommy agreed, glad to have something to fill his time.

He joined the voice-channel only to be greeted by a bunch of people talking over each other, it was very chaotic and very loud and it was honestly a nice change from the dead quiet nights.

"YOOOO Tommy how are you man??" Sapnap asked him.

"Yo Tommy's here?? Pogggg" Dream responded.

"Yeahh hey guys hows it goin" Tommy greeted everyone, they only had about 5-6 players in the game so he guessed they'd be waiting around talking for a little while they waited for whoever else to join.

Everything was going well for the most part, everyone was happily chatting away about whatever random topics came to mind. Tommy was just trying his best to get his mind to keep up with the speed of everyone’s conversations.

He was so caught up in everyone else’s story’s he almost didn't notice the message from Tubbo.

-Join my call real quick

 _Ummmm… this is either gonna go really well or really poorly_ , Tommy thought. Well... fingers crossed I guess.

**Tommyinnit has joined the channel.**

"Heyy whatsup Tommy" Tubbo started

"What's up man, is everything ok? Why'd we switch channels?"

"Oh nothing much it's just that you're not usually up this early and you seemed a little… off, so I just wanted to check in make sure everything’s goin' ok."

Hahaha well this wasn't ideal was it?

"Oh um yeah I'm feeling fine, maybe just a little tired I guess..." Tommy tried to play it off, he knew if he told Tubbo he had pulled an accidental all-nighter that Tubbo would go all protective mode on him and lecture him the whole game.

"Tommy, when did you go to sleep last night?" Tubbo asked instead.

"Wow nothing get's passed you huh." Tommy retorted.

"Dude. Why are you up so early??" The way he said it made it crystal clear that he was not gonna leave Tommy alone until he told him, and lying to Tubbo didn't really seem like the best way to go about this.

"I didn't sleep." Tommy told him flat out, why bother lying, there was no point. It's not like he had done it on purpose.

"You _what_?" The best way to describe Tubbo’s tone was that of an angry mother who just found out you did something you weren't supposed too.

"I didn't sleep last night, not a wink, I pulled an all-nighter, you want me to say it in Spanish?" Tommy snapped at him, it came off a little ruder out loud than he had intended but whatever, too late to worry about it now.

"Dude we've talked about this... why didn't you call me? I could've helped!" Even though Tommy was the one suffering Tubbo was the one who _sounded_ hurt.

Tommy sighed.

"Look Toby, I _seriously_ don't have the energy to argue with you about this right now. We can talk about this later." And with that Tommy left the call and rejoined with the big group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that I have to add another chapter but I figured it'd be better to have a short chapter now and then another one later then wait like three more weeks for one big chapter. also like school's lowkey kicking my ass so theres that to but hey what can u do :)
> 
> also this chapter was sorta boring and kinda werid filler but just don't worry bout it


	3. Sun-lit Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conflict we've all been waiting for >:)
> 
> Basically Wilbur try's to blame Tommy and Tommy finally snaps and then we finally get the comfort outta hurt/comfort but we also get the HURT so um ya know, read at your own risk :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I actually need to tag this as a warning but there's quite a bit of cursing in this chapter so if u don't like that ummm... just close your eyes I guess??
> 
> Also sorry this took me for-fricking-ever to get out I literally don't even have an excuse I was just sad 😎

  
Tommy rejoined the group after his little spat with Tubbo, he knew his friend didn’t deserve to be treated like that when all he was trying to do was check in on Tommy but something about the pity in Tubbo’s voice made it easier to justify it to himself.

Tommy didn’t need pity, pity wasn’t going to do him any good. He didn’t want everyone to sit around and feel sorry for him, whispering empty promises about how everything was gonna be alright. If anything that’d just make him feel worse. No, what he wanted was for his friends to understand, to notice he was suffering and make a point to help him not because they pitied him, but because that's what friends do.

  
Was that too much to ask for?

Among us was good, he decided. Since so much of the game was spent on mute he didn’t have to keep up his energetic facade, he could keep to himself until he had to speak every once in a while just to keep the suspicion off him.

However he quickly found that it was hard to keep his tired brain focused on such mundane tasks, he started spacing out during downloads or would find himself struggling with the Simon-Says reactor.

_Another emergency meeting? Great…_

“Me and Wilbur found it in storage, but there was no one around” Fundy was the first to un-mute seeing as he was the one to have found the body.

“Not to be that person buuuut I _did_ see Dream heading towards there when I left electrical” Sapnap accused, causing an uproar from the man in question.

Everyone started pointing fingers about who was where and when, frankly Tommy couldn’t find it in himself to care. He was tired, he was cold, and he felt awful. And everybody screaming over his headset was definitely _not_ doing him any favors…

“Whoever is yawning can you mute yourself holy shit, you’re gonna put me to sleep” Tommy wasn’t quite sure who had actually said that, but he could tell by their tone they were joking.

He laughed a little to himself that someone else on the call might just be as tired as he was. That was until he caught himself mid-yawn.

_Shit_

Had he been the one yawning? For how long? Was he being annoying? Had anyone noticed it was him?

Whatever, from the looks of it the group had moved on and were back to the game anyway.

Tommy had planned to just keep quiet most of the meeting and only speak up if it was necessary to defend himself, just like he had been for the last few games. His plan had been going great until about 10 seconds before voting time ended someone spoke up.

“I think it was Tommy” Wilbur stated, out of literally no where.

“What?”

“Wait why?”

_Yeah… why??_

“I mean think about it, hasn’t he been awfully quiet this game?” Wilbur wasn’t wrong, per-say, but still. Tommy felt his heart drop a little, even if it hadn’t been intended to hurt his feelings it still felt like a low blow.

“I’m trying…” Tommy mumbled, he wasn’t even sure if it was loud enough for his mic to pick up, but it’s all he had to say to defend himself. Ok yes, maybe he had been a little quiet the whole game, and yes he hadn’t really given any reasons why he _wasn’t_ the imposter but still. This felt like a little bit of a reach. There was no evidence to convict him, no one had saw him doing anything suspicious at any point, everyone seemed to be just going along with it because Wilbur had said so.

“Wait so who are voting again?” George asked the group.

“Tommy I guess.”

_Wait actually?_

Voting time ended and pretty much every single person had voted him off.

_Wow._

_“_ Bye bye Tommy! That’s what you get!” Wilbur said in a sing-song voice. He sounded _incredibly_ smug, like he knew he had just gotten away with something.

 _That’s what you get_? What does that even mean? What could he have possibly done to piss Wilbur off so much that he was _still_ on about it?

Oh… he’d missed the… oh…. right.

Was he really still upset about that? Tommy had only missed _one_ recording session and it hadn’t even been on purpose or anything like that. Why was Wilbur being so childish about this?

Just thinking about it made Tommy mad. He hadn’t even been enjoying the game all that much, it’s not like he was all that upset to have been voted out, but what if he _had_ been? What if he _had_ been having a really good time and Wilbur had decided to be a petty bastard and get him voted out? Then what huh? Wilbur had absolutely no way of knowing whether Tommy was having a good time or not and just decided to vote him out anyway. Why!?

And now Tommy was pissed.

See, what you have to understand is that it’s a lot easier to be pissed over something like this when you haven’t slept in god knows how long and no one’s even noticed. Because once you reach a certain point your mind stops listening to reason and starts getting irritated with every, little, thing that happens.

In a brilliant moment of rage Tommy decided the best thing he could do is leave the call, and then the game. Ignoring the voice in his head telling him that he was being immature, he didn’t care. He was exhausted and every part of him hurt, and _no one_ was listening to him, he was just trying to get through his day so he could go to bed that night and he just _**could not handle this right now.**_

Everything was too loud.

Everything was just _so_ bright.

And everything hurt too bad.

 ~~He wanted out~~. 

He _needed_ out.

So he got out. And he stayed out. And he ignored any messages that asked him where he had gone, they wouldn’t understand anyway. They weren’t trapped like he was.

And suddenly it was almost five in the evening. Most of the day had been a blur, he didn’t feel like doing anything so he spent most of the day scrolling through his phone, barely registering any of it.

His head felt numb, like there was some sort of vibrating behind his eyes that was set on low. It didn’t necessarily _hurt_ exactly, but it certainly wasn’t comfortable.

By the time his clock hit 9 o’clock his head was already hitting his pillow. He had never been so excited to get to sleep, by this point his whole body ached and he was more than ready to slip into a deep slumber.

Tommy had barley been laying down for two minutes when he felt himself start to drift off to sleep (the sheer excitement of the moment was almost enough to wake him back up again). He was gonna fall asleep in record time, and the timing couldn’t have been better.

And then he was falling. Right before he hit the ground he jumped straight up in bed, immediately loosing any progress he had on falling asleep.

Ya know those dreams where you’re falling and then you wake up _just_ before you’re about to hit the ground? Yeah. Imagine that.

_What? Wait, no no no no no, I was- I was almost there! I was asleep, I was good!! WHY TONIGHT?_

“But- but that’s not fair! I was so close…” Tommy yelled at the walls of his dark room, as if they were somehow to blame for this. The walls didn’t respond.

He flopped backwards onto his bed, trying to calm back down enough to go back to sleep, his heart still pounding from the adrenaline of falling.

He tried it all, all the things that usually helped him lull himself back to sleep. Everything from counting, focused breathing, reading, daydreaming, anything that could get him back to the state of relaxation he had been before.

It took him about an hour before he finally felt his eyelids starting to grow heavy and his breathing start to slow down, that was always a good sign. He let his tired eyes fall closed and was content to pass out for the night. It was about one a.m by this point and he was more than ready to be asleep.

Everything felt calm, his body finally felt at peace and comfortable as he lay under his many blankets, curled up around his pillow. Everything was perfect. That was until- against his will- his left hand started twitching. The involuntary movement startling him enough to, once again, fully wake up.

At this point Tommy felt like he was gonna cry. It was like even his own body didn’t think he deserved sleep…

What did he do to deserve this??

And it just kept on like that. Right before he was about to fall asleep _boom_ something twitches or someone falls, or once there was even a loud bang. But every time there was something.

By three a.m Tommy decided sleeping was futile, he may as well just pull _another_ all-nighter. What’s another 24 hours anyway….

So he sat on the edge of his bed, and he waited. He sat and stared at his wall, even though it was too dark to make most of it out. No one else would be awake right now, and even if they were they probably wouldn’t even wanna talk to him. He didn’t feel like playing games and he felt way too tired to read anything. So he would sit here, and he would wait.

He was getting through this.

By five a.m he couldn’t even tell whether he was awake or asleep. He was still sitting up with his back to his headboard, and his knees pulled up to his chest. He didn’t know where or when he was, and he couldn’t be bothered to find out. He could already tell his back was gonna be sore the following day but he couldn’t bring himself to care. This was his life, this was his reality, whether his friends knew it or not.

The more he thought about it he almost found it in him to laugh, he could only _imagine_ how absolutely pathetic he looked right now.

Seven a.m, by now the sun was rising, whether or not Tommy wanted it to. A whole ‘nother night. What was it, almost three in a row now? Well however many it had been Tommy felt like absolute shit. He was not enjoying this.

The sunrise from outside started to seep through his partially open blinds casting an early morning shadow across his bedroom floor.

_Well guess the day’s starting whether I like it or not._

And that’s one of the weird things about insomnia. The world keeps going, the day-night cycle doesn’t stop just because you’re falling behind. The world doesn’t care if you sleep all night or never at all, the sun will still rise the next morning, and you’ll have to deal with whatever comes your way after that, sleep or no.

And Tommy was really starting to discover that first hand.

The early sunlight that was slowly illuminating his room made it clear that daytime was upon him. So he (begrudgingly) started to slowly pry himself off his bed. His back and neck felt _incredibly_ sore as he tried to stand up, and he doubted that would be going away anytime soon, but instead of losing sleep over it (haha get it, because he- ya know- yeah), he decided to just add it too his ongoing list of problems to be dealt with later.

Time felt wrong. Morning had just started and he was already ready for bed. What was he even gonna _do_ today? What even was today… thursday? Friday?

According to the calendar app on his phone it was a Saturday, and it was also a day where he had made plans to record with Wilbur and Tubbo (it was meant to be somewhat of a part two video from their session earlier in the week… but we all know how that went).

_Uhggg_

That was gonna be _so_ annoying to film, he wasn’t even sure he could stay awake long enough to make it to noon to film with them. And even if he did there was absolutely _no way_ he was gonna have the energy to provide any good content. Not to mention Wilbur was still pissy at him for god knows why.

Eh, he was sure it’d be fine… right?

At around 9am-ish he decided that the best way to keep himself awake and distracted was by going for a walk. He’d read somewhere that excerise could help wake up your body and make you feel more alive, so he assumed that was applicable in this situation. Right?

He threw some clothes on and quickly ran a brush through his hair, not really worrying about how he looked. That was his mindset at least until he passed the mirror in the hallway outside his room.

For a second… he almost didn’t recognize himself. His normally fluffy blonde hair was greasy and untamed, and maybe it was just the dim lighting in the hallway but it seemed to be bordering on a darker color of blonde than usual.

The normally faint black-ish bags under his eyes were now a deep purple color stretching all the way up towards his eyelids, almost giving the impression that he was recovering from a black eye. Besides the deep bags under them his eyes themselves looked dull and distant, like he was zoning out even when he was focusing on something.

His expression was fixed in a scowl, much to his dismay. His whole face screamed _Talk To Me And You Die >:(._

What happened to him?

Was a few nights without sleep really enough to do all _that?_

Huh.

Tommy headed out for his walk, the morning air still had a chill and it was almost enough to convince him to turn home to grab another layer, but he figured he’d warm up the more he walked, so he trudged on.

He put his headphones in and turned the music up higher than he normally would, hoping the loud music would help wake him up.

 _"So bite your tongue and choke yourself to sleep",_ well the music seemed quite fitting for the occasion huh.

By the time he returned home from his walk and had a little bit to eat it was almost time to film with Wilbur and Tubbo. He grimaced at the thought.

He decided he had enough time to take a minute before the video to pull himself together, he made a cup of tea to try and help his voice, he opened the blinds and window in his room to try and get some fresh air in, just a bunch of little things that he thought may help.

Eventually the time came to actually record, and he was a little more nervous than he'd like to admit.

He joined the voice-channel, he was the first one here, which gave him plenty of time to freak out about it.

What if they find out?

What if he wasn't as funny when he was tired?

What if they thought he was weird or even weak for not sleeping? Would they even still wanna be friends with him after this?

What if he ruins the video?

What if-

His nervous ramblings were interrupted by the sound of someone else joining the call.

"Tubbo!"

"Hey Tommy" Tubbo very much did _not_ match his enthusiam (it had been fake anyways but still).

There was barley a moment of silence before Tubbo suddenly decided to bring up the one topic Tommy didn't want to talk about.

"So Tommy can we talk about your sleep now because you said-"

**WilburSoot has joined your channel**

_Saved by the bell...._

_"_ Hello Tubbo! Ah Tommy, I see you decided to join us this time, how nice of you" Wilbur greeted.

_Hahah I'm sorry **what**_

"And what's that supposed to mean?" His voice was rough and scratchy sounding, and it hurt his throat to talk. But he wasn't about to sit here and be indirectly insulted, he may be exhausted but he still had dignity.

"Well what do you think it means? You slept through our last session so I wasn't sure if I could expect you to see you here this time." Wilbur's voice was happy and upbeat, like he was having a pleasant conversation and not being a total asshole.

"Dude I said I was sorry already like a hundred times, and it's not like I did it on purpose anyways..."

"Yeah well you still did it, you stayed up late screwing around and then missed your responsibility the next day because of it. You were being reckless, you have no one to blame for that but yourself. Can we move on now? There's a video to be filmed..." Wilbur spoke as though this is was some kind of huge inconvenience to _him,_ and that made Tommy's blood boil.

_You picked the wrong day and the wrong person to fuck with Mr. Wilbur Soot let me tell you-_

"No no no no, we can not just ' _move on_ ' from this."

"Uhgggg" Wilbur heavy sighed, "of course we have to make an _even bigger_ deal out of this".

And suddenly, Tommy was wide awake.

"Ok for starters dipshit I wasn't up late ' _screwing around'_ as you so wonderfully put it, I was up late because I couldn't sleep-"

"Dude we've all been telling you to fix your sleep schedule for who knows how long now man, this is why."

There was a moment of silence as Tommy was just sitting there in shock. Did he really just... did Wilbur really think it was _Tommy's_ fault that he couldn't sleep?? Did he think he was doing this on purpose or something??

"Ok Wilbur I think maybe your being a little-" Tubbo, who had been mostly sitting quietly watching the other two bicker, tried to step in.

"Don't you think I've tried that Wilbur?" It was barley a whisper, but Tommy's mike picked it up just fine.

"Well I mean... clearly not." Wilbur sounded royally unbothered by Tubbo's worry and Tommy's sudden change of tone.

"Hey ya know what? Fuck you Wilbur Soot." Tommy spat.

"What?" Wilbur finally seemed to realize that Tommy wasn't just screwing around.

"Fuck. You. Do you have any fucking idea how goddamn hard I work every single night to try and get even the smallest amount of sleep? Do you?"

"I-"

"Because if you did you wouldn't be sitting here blaming _me_ for how much sleep I get. If you knew what night's were like for me you wouldn't be sitting there saying that _I_ brought this upon myself. Do you know what a chronic illness is Wilbur? Because it doesn't seem like you do." Tommy was done, he didn't care if he hurt someones feelings, or if they didn't want to be friends with him after this, he needed to say it, and they needed to hear it.

"Tommy what- is it-” Wilbur was stumbling over words, like he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to say, “why didn't you say how bad it was?" When he did speak Wilbur's voice was softer than normal, which was a huge contrast from the mocking tone he had been sporting mere minutes ago.

"Because nobody ever asked. Because nobody fucking cares? Do you know how many times I've showed up to a stream or to a video after going days without sleep, feeling like death, wanting nothing more than for someone to notice something was wrong? And do you know how many times _anyone’s_ noticed? How many times a _single_ person has asked if somethings up? Because the answer is _so_ much lower than it should be. Have you ever noticed? Ever once? Because you certainly seemed to notice when it effected you, I sleep for the first time in days and suddenly _I'm_ the bad guy for screwing with _your_ schedule?? Yeah okay, makes sense."

"Tommy I- I had no idea. I am so _so_ sorry I-"

"Ya know, I haven't slept in 56 hours. Did you know that?"

"Tommy..." This time it was Tubbo, who sounded like he was close to tears.

"Jesus Christ, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE? DO YOU?" Tommy took a moment to calm himself down, the screaming was really hurting his voice.

"I spend hours on hours alone at night with my thoughts and it's actual hell for me... theres no escape, I’m just trapped in this endless fucking cycle of being awake all night every night and theres _nothing_ I can do about it and,” he had to stop for a minute to take a breath, “and I just really don't want to be alone anymore-" His voice cracked at the end, he hadn't even realized he was crying. But that was it. That was the bitter truth, he just wanted people to understand and to care. He truly was just tired of being alone.

It took everyone a minute to calm down after that. And by this point, any plans of recording anything were long gone.

"Tommy... oh my god I really fucked this one up didn't I? I had _no idea_ , I mean I knew you've mentioned something about having trouble sleeping before but this?? Dude I am _so_ sorry that sounds like shit."

Tommy hummed in agreement, not trusting his voice yet.

"Look Tommy, I am so sorry I ever tried to blame any of this on you, that was a really shitty thing for me to do. I was incredibly ignorant and selfish and jumped to conclusions without first hearing your side. And I don't even care about the stupid video, what matters is that you're ok and taking care of youself, ok?"

"Yeah _speaking of which..."_ It was now Tubbo's turn to interject himself back into the conversation.

"Oh here we go I'm about to get a mom lecture from Tubbo..." Tommy's tone was playful but it didn't quite sound like he was all there.

"Tommy how long has this been happening? Like how long have you been having this much trouble sleeping and you didn't tell us?

Silence from Tommy.

They didn't need to know, he didn't want them to feel guilty for how long they'd been oblivious to his struggle.

"Tommy?" This time from Wilbur, speaking like he was trying to coax out a hurt animal from hiding.

"If I told you... I think... I think you may regret asking" There was a bitterness to his voice, a bitterness that made it painfully clear that Tommy was right. And also made it obvious just how blind they must've been to ever think that insomnia never effected Tommy.

"Tommy I can't... this is.... UHG," Wilbur let out a frustrated grunt, "I just- I just never thought _I'd_ be the one too hurt you...."

"Wilbur it's really not _that_ big of a deal, seriously man I'm ok-" Tommy tried to console the older, only to be abrubtly cut off.

"Jesus fucking Christ Tommy! Stop telling me you're okay when you are _so obviously_ not!!"

Tommy was definitely _not_ expecting that reaction from Wilbur, in fact if anything he was expecting Wilbur to mock him and complain about how annoying and childish it was for him to struggle so much with something so easy.

But he didn't. No, instead of belittling him Wilbur was apologizing, and trying to help him... _huh, didn't see that one coming._

"Tommy please," This time it was Tubbo who spoke up "you don't have to deal with this alone, let us help you!"

"I don't need help... I'm not some helpless, _pathetic,_ child. I can deal with this myself...." Just having to say that felt demeaning but he wasn't about to give everyone another reason to think less of him.

"Tommy..." Tubbo sounded hurt.

"Tommy you've never been pathetic to me _ever_. I swear." Wilbur's tone left no room for argument, _Tommy_ didn't even feel brave enough to argue with him.

There was a moment of silence as Wilbur waited for someone to dare to disagree with him.

"Alright well now that we’ve gotten that out of the way... what can we do to help."

~

It was a Monday night and it was almost time for Tommy to head to bed. It was a little past 10 and he was on a call with Tubbo, and they were getting ready for bed together. Ever since Tommy had confided in his friends they had gone out of their way to help as much as possible.

Tommy had agreed to open up and tell a few other of their friends- and they were all nothing short of supportive- and ever since he's had people almost every night trying to help him out.

He and Tubbo still called almost every night, but nowadays Tubbo would get ready for bed with Tommy over the phone, they'd both make a cup of tea (or any other warm drink) to help wind down before bed, and then they'd brush their teeth and whatnot before heading off their separate ways.

Tommy now got in bed every night at 10:30 pm sharp (against his arguments that he was _‘a big, strong, mature, man who didn't need no bed time thank you very much'_ ). But his friends were convinced that if he got a good routine going it could really benefit him, and so he did it, begrudgingly.

Usually around 10:30 someone would call him, never two people in one night though, Tommy almost wondered if they had some sort of schedule ( _which they totally did by the way_ ). Someone would call him practically every night and stay on the line with him until he fell asleep.

Some nights Dream would call him, and he would quietly practice speed-runs on the other end, making quiet commentary throughout until Tommy fell asleep. Sometimes Schlatt would call, he would talk about finance and economics until Tommy fell asleep out of boredom (but _no absolutely Schlatt did not do that_ if anyone asks, he totally doesn't even like the kid anyway...). There were also nights were Technoblade himself would call him, and those were the quietest nights were Tommy and him just sat in comfortable silence until they both fell asleep on the call (Techno understood better than anyone else what it was like to be up so late) and they both enjoyed just having each others presence. There were others too of course, but those three were the ones who really stepped up to the plate when they realized how much Tommy needed someone.

So some nights before Tommy went to bed his screen would light up with “Incoming call from Techno!” or from Schlatt, or Dream. And Tommy was always happy to see their names.

But most nights... most nights Wilbur would call him. Most nights Wilbur would call him and he would sing to him and strum out half written songs on his guitar, the gentle cords lulling his tired mind to sleep. Most nights Wilbur would tell long story’s in low voices, story’s just interesting enough to keep his mind focused on them until he eventually drifted off to sleep. Most nights it was Wilbur, it was Wilbur who was there for him on the hard nights, and it was Wilbur who talked him through them.

Most nights it was him and Wilbur,

And Tommy was so tired.

And his eyes were so heavy...

Most nights it was him and Wilbur,

And those nights he was happy.

_It's a hard thing, being aware of the silence._

_But he thinks he'll make it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is!! The finale!! I hope you all enjoyed this random vent fic of mine, it means a lot just in general but I also love knowing that others go through the same thing, it's really comforting :)

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry to split this into two parts, pt 2 should be out soon. Wilburs gonna explode at Tommy and then feel really bad and its gonna be soooo angsty uhg I can't wait >:)


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